What kind of friend are you???

Went to church today and the sermon was on friendships. I have to say I was really hit by the word! It really made me see where I am lacking in me being a better friend and where my expectations of the friends I do have can be unrealistic. I have really always thought I was a really good friend. I mean I would do anything for my friends so that automatically means I am a good friend, right? ummm no. Now looking back on it, I can see where I have been a crappy friend to several of my friends, where I have expected them to fill a need that only God can fill, and where I have gotten really upset at them because they don't just tell me what I want to hear but what I NEEDED to hear or where I have been so completely self absorbed that I was inconsiderate to whatever they were going through. I also realized that some of my "friendships" are really superficial. I mean I really already knew that but I had kind of an AHA moment when I realized they were superficial because of me and not the other party.

I tend to try not to get too deep with some of my friends anymore. Whether because I have been disappointed in them or by them in the past or because I am scared that once they see that I am not who I was, they won't want to really be around me anymore. What I realized today is that I am glad I am not who I was. I am ashamed of my past, but I don't have to be. Everyone has baggage. God forgave me so I need to forgive myself and move on. If that means letting go of some superficial friendships or working  harder at being the type of friend I know I should be then I am going to do it. Since I got pregnant I have kind of shut myself off from everyone. At first I blamed them, because hey I have a kid now so they didn't come around, or they just stopped calling because I couldn't go do the things I used to do or whatever. Truth is, I was angry that they blew me off, or was so involved with what was going on in my life I just wanted to wallow in misery alone, or they quit calling because they were sick of my going on and on about....me. So here I am two and a half years after having jonathan, a hermit that rarely talks to anyone unless it is through the computer, awkward in my own "new" skin (and by skin I really mean new me-cause I really am not who I used to be), and when it comes to meeting new people I cringe.

So I am determined to keep changing, to keep evolving, into the person God wants me to be. Into the friend God means me to be.

 Life is too short to live it alone as a hermit in your house.
And Friendships are too important to let go down the drain over uncontrollable acts or over self-centeredness.